A touch of what the hell

The Universe is a funny place sometimes.

Several years ago, I was in a pretty nasty place, getting over a bad break up, to put it mildly. Some people have too much chemistry together, and it just blows up again and again. I used to think about him a lot, then I trained myself not to do it, because it wasn't good for any of us.

I still think of him from time to time, and I always sort of wonder why.

I used to have nightmares and premonitions when bad things happened to him, and when I think of him now, I always kinda wonder if he's in trouble or something. I thought about him last night, because when we were friends, he would have been excited to know that I'd finished a novel (Hey guys, I finished a novel, just be-tee-dubs :P). I'd been thinking about writing an open letter on my writing blog, just to let him know, just on the off chance he googled his old pen name or something. That lead to googling his old penname, only to find out he'd gotten married.

A little unexpected, that.

I'm not sure why I'm even blogging about it, other than the need to just work through it and assimilate it. I've taught myself not to feel the feelings I have for him that still crop up, and now that I need to feel some feelings, I'm not sure how anymore. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really important, but it might be important to someone important to me, and in general, I'm just lost.

Still lost.

I'm sure I'll settle back down in a minute, but for now I'm left with an itch in my hands, searching for the right thing to say. I'm left not knowing what to say, because I'm not sure what I can say. I used to be a pretty open person, just sharing whatever was on my mind with anyone and everyone. But as I've grown up, I've learning that no man is an island, and I can't be wide open without leaving those close to me wide open as well. That's not fair to them. Just because I don't care doesn't mean they don't care. And even if they don't, it's not my place to say.

So now I'm left wanting to say something, but not wanting to say something, and left in a sort of limbo instead. I dunno. Lots of I dunno.

I'm still here, is I guess what I'm saying.

Just, a touch of what the hell today.