Too Big to see

So, I've felt strangely invisible all weekend.

I'm sure it's not really any more than usual, rather, it just being sensitive to it, but it seems like no one can see me. Drivers cutting me off, people stepping up to counters as if I'm not in line, being bumped into a run over and ignored everywhere I go.

And my brain keeps telling me it's because I'm fat. That people are trying not to see me, because they can't stand the sight of me.

I know this to be ridiculous. Yes, I am overweight, unhealthily so, but I have a very large frame to carry it on. I still have a waist, still have a definable female figure that is really quite attractive, if you're into a heavier set build. I'm personally not my own type, but that's just because I'm too athletic. Yes, I am too athletic for my own tastes. I like my curves exaggerated and compacted on themselves, like the world's most dangerous country road. I'm too long and leggy for my tastes.

Yes, long and leggy. With a fairly flat butt, and very generous boobage. And long wavy dark hair, and golden-green eyes, and a gorgeous tan.

But all I can think about is how I feel invisible, and how it must be because I'm too fat to look at.

I don't know where all this is coming from. I have never had body issues like this before. I've always hated being so big, but in a general way, and mostly because it means I can't find clothes period. Not because I'm too fat, but because I'm also too tall, too wide, too that much bigger in general than the rest of the world. I'm people the next size up, and nothing has ever fit me. 38" inseam, size 12.5 shoes (because 12 is too small and 13 is too big) 42 DDD bra - none of these things exist. If you're big in the band, you're clearly HUGE in the cup. If you're big in the foot, you clearly need 3" heels. If you're big in the waistband, you can't possibly need more than a 30" inseam.

I have never fit, and I never will.

So why do I suddenly feel so FAT?

Specifically, socially pressure induced FAT.

It can't possibly be just one asshole getting under my skin, right?

One little word

You know how they say it only takes one negative comment to undo ten good ones?

It's totally true.

I know in beautiful, but one asshole callin me fat-not even directly- and I'vealready  forgotten about all the compliments I got last night when I dressed up. I had been waiting since 6 o clock the night before to get all dressed up, and one idiot ruins it the next day with cheap bully tactics.

And the worst part is, nothing I say makes me feel any better. I just feel pathetic for needing to be my own cheerleader.

It'll pass. The hurt of one moment is gone the next. I'm just angry that this is even a thing. Yes, I'm overweight, even for my build, but if I was "fit" I'd be a 14 at best- still plus size, still a stigma. And I hate it, and it's stupid and it's wrong. And I'm angry.

And I don't know how to fix it. 

FiberFest!

Went to the Kentucky Sheep and Fiber Festival today!

 You can't tell, but this has really gorgeous golden flecks throughout.

 These two groups came from a booth called Unique Sheep that sells color gradients for shawls. Should be gorgeous when they're worked up. Cait's planning gold beads for this one...

 And has a really great set of green-blue contrast beads for this set.

 That's it for the yarn - we mostly go to Fiber Fest for ...well, fiber. Four pounds of white for dyeing. (Yes, FOUR pounds).

 And a few more pounds of natural tones for a project of mine.

Then this lovely bunch of locks for something R.O.C.K. (roller girls of central Kentucky) themed.

 I'm REALLY excited about these locks. :P I'm also really excited about my three new Angelinas (sparkly fibers for working into other yarns)

 I have a really great blue tonal yarn to go with this.

And while it's hard to do it justice, this black angelina is lovely. :)

But this is my favorite. I tried really hard to get some different shots to show all the shades. It's green and gold and kinda bronzey, depending on teh light. I'm super excited to work with it.

Great day for birds

Yesterday was a great day for birds. I guess between the storm, and the fact that I was delivering around dusk, made for lots of rare sightings for me.

I saw my first brown-headed cowbird:


And my first yellow breasted chat


And while the barn swallow wasn't a new one for me, I don't see them too much around here.


Yay birds!

Yarn!

Caitlin finished her yarn from this weekend!

A touch of what the hell

The Universe is a funny place sometimes.

Several years ago, I was in a pretty nasty place, getting over a bad break up, to put it mildly. Some people have too much chemistry together, and it just blows up again and again. I used to think about him a lot, then I trained myself not to do it, because it wasn't good for any of us.

I still think of him from time to time, and I always sort of wonder why.

I used to have nightmares and premonitions when bad things happened to him, and when I think of him now, I always kinda wonder if he's in trouble or something. I thought about him last night, because when we were friends, he would have been excited to know that I'd finished a novel (Hey guys, I finished a novel, just be-tee-dubs :P). I'd been thinking about writing an open letter on my writing blog, just to let him know, just on the off chance he googled his old pen name or something. That lead to googling his old penname, only to find out he'd gotten married.

A little unexpected, that.

I'm not sure why I'm even blogging about it, other than the need to just work through it and assimilate it. I've taught myself not to feel the feelings I have for him that still crop up, and now that I need to feel some feelings, I'm not sure how anymore. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really important, but it might be important to someone important to me, and in general, I'm just lost.

Still lost.

I'm sure I'll settle back down in a minute, but for now I'm left with an itch in my hands, searching for the right thing to say. I'm left not knowing what to say, because I'm not sure what I can say. I used to be a pretty open person, just sharing whatever was on my mind with anyone and everyone. But as I've grown up, I've learning that no man is an island, and I can't be wide open without leaving those close to me wide open as well. That's not fair to them. Just because I don't care doesn't mean they don't care. And even if they don't, it's not my place to say.

So now I'm left wanting to say something, but not wanting to say something, and left in a sort of limbo instead. I dunno. Lots of I dunno.

I'm still here, is I guess what I'm saying.

Just, a touch of what the hell today.

Original London Cast

To cap off my Phantom Fest, I leave you with a link to the Original London cast recording.

http://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFD17E0724B3EDBE8