Into the Labyrinth

There is something about Labyrinth that just hits me wrong sometimes.

Like, it makes me SUPER moody. I don't know what it is, and it doesn't happen every time, but it... awakens something alien in me.

I know there's a story in here, if I could ever find the damned thing, but the way I write, and the way I get when it hits me... they just don't mesh.

I talk about some of my fey characters being alien - and it's true. From the perspective of the characters writing, there is nothing at home in those fey to talk to. But this... this is something different. Even if my narrating character doesn't get them, I've always been able to relate to my fey, to see where they're coming from, what makes them tick, how it's different than the human (or otherwise) perspective. But this place...

I don't know what it is, but something about Labyrinth is just magic.

Belly Dance Pretties

Woodland Arts Fair is tomorrow, and that means today was dress rehearsal! In honor of that, here's a bunch of (blurry) pix of all my lovely wraps and costumy whatnot. :)

This is my favorite of the newest ones - I love how it reminds me of the moon.

This is one is technically Caitlin's, and also "our" first wrap. :)

This one is my first wrap, and I love it so.

Some of you may recognize the headscarf from last year.

This coin belt... man, the things it does for my butt... yeah...

Another new one for this year. The red designs are subtle, but I kinda like that.

And this little lovely is for the ladies this year- ALL THE SHOULDER SHIMMIES!!!! 

I love this pashmina- I think it's just as pretty backwards...

...as it is forwards.

This was last year's base hip scarf...

...and this is this year's.

Last but not least, my good and faithful head wrap base. This is the secret to not getting sweaty all over my makeup.

Woodland is TOMORROW!!!!!! XD

First Solo Bake!

I'm a little over halfway through my baker training at Panera, and I worked my first shift by myself this morning. I'm REALLY happy with how all my bread turned out.

Country Miche

That one in the middle is pretty much perfect.

French Miche

These are both lovely. They might be my favorite out of the whole bake.

Three Cheese Miche

These smell SOOO good when they're baking, and I love the way the little bits of cheese brown up.

Sesame Semolina Miche

This is probably my favorite to eat. I love the nutty taste and the light texture.

Rye Miche

These are my favorite to score- I think they look like happy little owls!

Whole Grain Miche

These guys always seem too dark to me- which means I got them exactly right. I'm always baking too light.

Tomato Basil Xtra Large Loaf

These guys also smell lovely, and they turn the most lovely shade of orangey brown.

These guys are a little light though. But still tasty, and the crumb on top always browns up nicely so they're still looking pretty good. :)

All-Natural White Miche

I love how shiny these guys are! And they have a bad habit of bubbling, so I'm really happy mine didn't.

Pan Breads: Cinnamon Raisin, Honey Wheat and All-Natural White

My scores on these are AWESOME! IMHO. You have no idea how it is for me to score bread right.

Iced Shortbread Cookies, Flip-flop shaped

And I've always been insanely proud of my flip-flop cookies from the beginning. Piping skills for the win!

LABYRINTH HOMAHGOD

So that one scene in Labyrinth, with the two doors and the "one of us always lies" bit?

Yeah, that one.

I'd always thought they were both lying, but aside from that, I just realized something tonight:

She was walking into Certain Death.

She chose wrong, and Jareth saved her from herself by dropping her in the Oubliette. That's why he looks so upset in the cut away scene- she'd made it further than he'd been ready for, and he hadn't gotten the Labyrinth ready for her. He was saving her life.

Same with the Cleaners in the next scene - he can't just out and out help her, so he sicks the Cleaners after her, knowing the ladder is right there. And if he has to drop her down below again? Now the under passages have been cleaned out.

JARETH LOVES HER.

And, on top of that, something my lovely girlfriend caught:

When Hoggle is letting her out of the Oubliette and opens the door to the broom closet, he opens righ tot left and says "Can't be right all the time" - as in, you can't always choose right over left, because the door out appears when he opens it left to right. Also, to tie it all in - she chose the right hand door.

Woodland Arts Fair 2014

It's that time of year again! I'll be dancing to two (2! holy cats!) songs this year, and I am beyond excited. One of the songs I'm dancing to is a long time drill favorite of mine, Kiss Kiss.

So yummy. So bouncy. So catchy. So excited. :D

Woodland 2014

An Update

Been hit or miss here lately, but that's because life is a little upside down at the moment. A quick recap:

• Starting a night baker job at Panera Bread- 1:30am - 10 am shifts typically
• Still doing some part time at Domino's, but like 10-15 hours a week
• Still plugging along with editing Rain's story and writing Asylum and the rest
• Moving into a smaller apartment at the beginning of August
• Still foolishly hoping I'll have time to do the Woodland Arts Fair again this year

So yeah, a lot of stuff going on. :P

So far, I'm really loving Panera. My trainer is a goofball like me and I'm picking things up pretty quick from what I can tell. When my training is done, I'll work solo through the night, and occasionally in the mornings from 10 - 2ish. It's a bit of an adjustment, but so far I'm pretty happy.

Domino's is mostly so I can save up and get a second car, so Cait and I don't have to juggle my job and hers come the fall. chances are, she'll have labs to teach before I'm done for the day and that seems messy at best. We'll see what gives.

The new apartment should be lovely. It's a smaller space, but honestly, we were overdue for a de-cluttering. And we can paint the walls, which will be fun. Many pictures to come, I'm sure.

Writing is waiting for me to adjust to the whole not sleeping thing, but once I settle into that groove, I'm totally gonna carve out a space in my day specifically for writing. Should be AWESOME. I'm very excited.

Aaaaaaand somewhere in there, I still want to have hobbies. :P

Lentil Cookies

Made cookies tonight for breakfast tomorrow. Sounds crazy, but honestly, these are kinda just like handheld oatmeal. :P

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/lentil-cookies-recipe.html

DINNER! :)

Spicy roaster cauliflower by Macheesmo

"Alice Springs Chicken" with a twist - tarragon mustard instead of honey

Lemon Ginger Blanched Green Beans from one of my favorite cookbooks

Kitty yoga!

For no other reason than sometimes, it's nice to look at kitties doing silly things.

nostalgia

Lambert the Sheepish Lion

Naked

It is amazing to me, the difference between being nude and Naked.

I am a fairly relaxed person when it comes to my physicality. I often run around topless, or in just a cotton wrap, because it is comfortable to me. I understand this is not for everyone, so I only do this at home, but if the world were ready for it, I would mostly likely go grocery shopping in whatever state of dress I happened to find myself.

This is because when I am unclothed, I am not Naked. I am simply nude.

The difference in how exposed you feel. I can be completely bare in front of a stranger, tied and trussed for all the world to see and not feel Naked in any way. My body is merely the house for my Soul.

Naked is a vulnerability the comes from within, not from vestments. When you see past the careful layers of arrogance and indifference I have built up around myself, then I am Naked.

For example,

My roommate found me crying on the couch this morning. I was upset over a piece of fiction, and being caught with that laid bare made me feel utterly Naked and ashamed (two separate ideas that do not have to go together, but often do, because when you are Naked, there is no where left to hide). I accept a hug from him anyways, because he is a friend, and the fact that he was shirtless and I in just a cotton wrap was irrelevant, except in as much as it let me feel more of his skin, and I took comfort in the touch. My nudity is not what made me Naked, it was being caught emotionally raw. Our mutual nudity made it easier for me connect to the support he was offering, because I find skin to skin contact to be more solid, more real, more reassuring. The more of our skin that touched, the better I felt.

Until I realized that in his eyes, I was still naked. The emotional exposure was lost on him, but the availability of my skin was not. And immediately, my acceptance of his hug became an invitation to explore the body I had not cared to cover until then. My nudity became Nakedness, because my casual attitudes towards skin were pushed aside. My skin was made to mean what he thought it should mean, and in doing so, he made me Naked because he pushed past my personal barriers to make me vulnerable where I had not felt so before.

The transformation from nudity to being Naked can be such a horrible thing, a personal violation that passes completely unseen behind the eyes of the victim. This forced vulnerability is pushed on women (and I suppose men, I wouldn't know, I've never been a man) and it the reason so many women are pushing back to reclaim their bodies. When I am unclothed, I am not Naked until you make me Naked, and it is my right not to have to feel that way. You cannot take my skin from me and make it mean what you want it to. It is My skin, and it means to me what I want it to. To tell me otherwise is a gross violation of my personhood.

This is why women are taught not to wear skirts too short, or lipstick too red. Because our skin isn't allowed to say what we want it to, it says what society tells us it says. Until we change what society is saying, there is not skirt long enough, no street brightly lit enough, no person we can trust, because while not every man will say this to us, we have no way of knowing when we will suddenly be NAKED. And we are powerless to cover ourselves.

Sleeps

...I am rolling along on 4 hours of sleep.

Last night it was 6.

I don't know what's going on with my body, but it's like "Sleep? Nah- that stuff is for sissies." I really don't approve.

I don't think its a writing mania - I mean, I'm getting a lot of writing done, but I think that's more due to the influence of my writing partners than any biochemically silliness in me. I just... won't sleep.

Maybe it's just a weirdness of how the days fell out. We'll see what goes on tomorrow.

Too Big to see

So, I've felt strangely invisible all weekend.

I'm sure it's not really any more than usual, rather, it just being sensitive to it, but it seems like no one can see me. Drivers cutting me off, people stepping up to counters as if I'm not in line, being bumped into a run over and ignored everywhere I go.

And my brain keeps telling me it's because I'm fat. That people are trying not to see me, because they can't stand the sight of me.

I know this to be ridiculous. Yes, I am overweight, unhealthily so, but I have a very large frame to carry it on. I still have a waist, still have a definable female figure that is really quite attractive, if you're into a heavier set build. I'm personally not my own type, but that's just because I'm too athletic. Yes, I am too athletic for my own tastes. I like my curves exaggerated and compacted on themselves, like the world's most dangerous country road. I'm too long and leggy for my tastes.

Yes, long and leggy. With a fairly flat butt, and very generous boobage. And long wavy dark hair, and golden-green eyes, and a gorgeous tan.

But all I can think about is how I feel invisible, and how it must be because I'm too fat to look at.

I don't know where all this is coming from. I have never had body issues like this before. I've always hated being so big, but in a general way, and mostly because it means I can't find clothes period. Not because I'm too fat, but because I'm also too tall, too wide, too that much bigger in general than the rest of the world. I'm people the next size up, and nothing has ever fit me. 38" inseam, size 12.5 shoes (because 12 is too small and 13 is too big) 42 DDD bra - none of these things exist. If you're big in the band, you're clearly HUGE in the cup. If you're big in the foot, you clearly need 3" heels. If you're big in the waistband, you can't possibly need more than a 30" inseam.

I have never fit, and I never will.

So why do I suddenly feel so FAT?

Specifically, socially pressure induced FAT.

It can't possibly be just one asshole getting under my skin, right?

One little word

You know how they say it only takes one negative comment to undo ten good ones?

It's totally true.

I know in beautiful, but one asshole callin me fat-not even directly- and I'vealready  forgotten about all the compliments I got last night when I dressed up. I had been waiting since 6 o clock the night before to get all dressed up, and one idiot ruins it the next day with cheap bully tactics.

And the worst part is, nothing I say makes me feel any better. I just feel pathetic for needing to be my own cheerleader.

It'll pass. The hurt of one moment is gone the next. I'm just angry that this is even a thing. Yes, I'm overweight, even for my build, but if I was "fit" I'd be a 14 at best- still plus size, still a stigma. And I hate it, and it's stupid and it's wrong. And I'm angry.

And I don't know how to fix it. 

FiberFest!

Went to the Kentucky Sheep and Fiber Festival today!

 You can't tell, but this has really gorgeous golden flecks throughout.

 These two groups came from a booth called Unique Sheep that sells color gradients for shawls. Should be gorgeous when they're worked up. Cait's planning gold beads for this one...

 And has a really great set of green-blue contrast beads for this set.

 That's it for the yarn - we mostly go to Fiber Fest for ...well, fiber. Four pounds of white for dyeing. (Yes, FOUR pounds).

 And a few more pounds of natural tones for a project of mine.

Then this lovely bunch of locks for something R.O.C.K. (roller girls of central Kentucky) themed.

 I'm REALLY excited about these locks. :P I'm also really excited about my three new Angelinas (sparkly fibers for working into other yarns)

 I have a really great blue tonal yarn to go with this.

And while it's hard to do it justice, this black angelina is lovely. :)

But this is my favorite. I tried really hard to get some different shots to show all the shades. It's green and gold and kinda bronzey, depending on teh light. I'm super excited to work with it.

Great day for birds

Yesterday was a great day for birds. I guess between the storm, and the fact that I was delivering around dusk, made for lots of rare sightings for me.

I saw my first brown-headed cowbird:


And my first yellow breasted chat


And while the barn swallow wasn't a new one for me, I don't see them too much around here.


Yay birds!