Roommates

For those of you that don't know, Roomamtes is a comic you should be keeping up with.

Do so here. http://asherhyder.deviantart.com/gallery/

It's a fan comic- what would happen if Jareth the Goblin King of the Labyrith was roommates with Eric, Angel of Music and Phantom of the Opera? Hilarity ensues. Also featured are flat mates James Norrington of Pirates of the Carribean and Javert, of Les Mis fame. Also keep an eye out for Legolas, Sweeney Todd, and the Joker, if I remember correctly.

seriously, go read. All the funnies. 

Phantom in 15 mins

Today's offer is CleoLinda's 15 minute movies on Phantom of the Opera.

Showing here: http://m15m.livejournal.com/6231.html

This item, recovered from *cough cough* I mean, Cleo does some really great stuff with 15min movies, books and Tv, all worth checking out. And, if you're really bored, her Secret Life of Dolls will completely suck you in. However, spoiler alert- it ends pretty much as soon as it's got you completely hooked, and doesn't look like she'll be starting it back up anytime soon, so read at your own risk.

But the 15min movie, seriously, check it out. :)

Girls next door

Next up, a fan comic about a fan comic.

Girls Next door follows the adventures of Sarah and Christine, who share an apartment in the same mad building as the Roommates cast.

http://pika-la-cynique.deviantart.com/gallery/772068

Note: there's a little plot divergence along the way, but both are worth the read. 

Not dead!

Feeling better after a long weeken of resting up and watching Pretty Little Liars. I'm in season 2 now, go me. :P

Super excited to go see Phantom with my little brother on Thursday- I don't care if he's turning (turned) 16, he'll always be my little brother.

In preparation for the coming phantom goodness, there shall be links to some of my favorite Phantom silliness from around the internet. Stay tuned. :)

Sick

This is what sick looks like. 

Chicken ramen with sriracha is the best thing I have ever tasted right now. Also, my mom is best of all possible moms- I would not have these lovely fleece pants to curl up in today. Thanks mom. :)

I'mma go die now. 

Turn it around

I just read a great article, full of simple yet difficult Attitude Hacks that we all need to hear.

Sketches: Zig

Just a quickie I did the other night. My only intention was to sketch his blown pupil, but apparently Zig was ready to show me his face. Still not totally happy with his nose, but whatever. Not bad for a firstie

Salad squared

Black and bleu salad with crostini and pasta salad. Nom nom nom.

Dinner is served. :)

Happy Easter!

Caitlin and I dyed eggs this afternoon, because we can. We also used our fancy cocktail glasses, because we can. I also took LOTS of pictures, because I can. I have posted them ALL.

Also, we tried a new dying technique where you mix oil in the dye to get cool effects, in case you were wondering why our eggs were so freaking awesome. :P

Happy Easter Everyone!

Ya know, like grown ups

Weiss decided to "help"

It's not Easter without Cadbury mini eggs

Soooo preeeeety

Woohoo! Bonus colors!

...This is why I'm not allowed to peel eggs....

I LOVE the speckling this one got!

The Easter Bunny has hatched

Dying eggs meets Happy Hour!

Easter Brunch

Technically, I had this for dinner last night, because I knew I'd be stuck at work this morning. With any luck, I'll still have the energy to dye eggs this afternoon.

Honey Ham and cheddar on King rolls, with Lightened-Up Potato Salad with Dill and Greek Yogurt. All the deliciousness. Look upon my feast and weep, dear mortals, for it was truly divine.

Elephant

I am so fragile when I am like this. That is the part I hate most of all. This is what is missing when I say something has gone of out of myself - it is my essential strength, and that strength is the foundation of who I perceive myself to be.

When I am like this, I feel like an empty shell, easily blown over by the wind that howls through.

When I am like this, I feel naked and exposed, like there is no shell left to protect me at all.

On days like this, the slightest things sends me into a tizzy of worthlessness. Your bad day is clearly my fault. Your melancholy mood is from a lack of goodness on my part. If I were better, you would smile. If I were more worthy, you would not be sad.

But I have no value, because I cannot bring you peace. When I scrape together all I can of myself, digging dip and scouring corners, just to muster up enough strength to smile, and offer to cheer you when I am falling down around myself, and you turn it away?

I cannot.

I collapse under the effort of breathing. My chest caves, and I curl in on myself, into nothingness.

Only, I cannot. I cannot sink into the floor and cease to be. I am stuck here, feeling less than useless, unable to flee, because that would draw attention to my sorry existence. I cannot run, I cannot hide, because you guilt would cause you to come after me. You would chase me down with your frowns and your annoyed looks, and though I know full well they are not meant for me, I cannot bear the weight of them anyways. And you would stare me down like one more problem to fix, and I would be unable to run any further.

If I sit here, quietly, perhaps your own cares will absorb your self again, and I can hide in plain sight

motionless and silent.

An off morning

I'm having an off day. I usually do, the day after an episode. It might something so simple as being sleep deprived, but I just feel like something's missing. Like I used up my supply of something, and have to make due with out it for today.

 

I'm cranky, I'm irritable, I want to lash out the whole world and I want to hate myself, but I just can't care enough to do so. I tend to stand and stare a lot, even when I'm at home and could be taking a nap.

 

I feel like I'm missing all the skills I worked so hard to develope. All the voices in my head that tell me to keep going, to be patient, to smile, and to ignore the negative. Like I had a hard reset and my preferences weren't saved.

 

Usually, I bounce back in a day or two. Sometimes it lingers, and triggers more late night episodes, feeding itself until I'm eventually too exhausted to have any more and finally sleep.

 

It's hard, living with this shadow in the back of my mind. But I'm better than I used to be, and I know if I just hang in there, this feeling will go away again. I know that when it comes back, it won't be as bad. I know that if I just do whatever it takes to ride it out, I can work on being a little better during the good times, and I can make the good times last.

 

I know it gets better.

 

But for today, I just have to do what I gotta do to make it through to tomorrow.

A bad night

I am having a bad night. It happens sometimes, and I try not to be too down on myself for it, but I can't sleep.

About once every month or so, I have an "episode", where my inner submissive comes to the surface to see if anyone wants us yet. 5 years ago, we were thrown away, and no one has wanted us since there. Not in the way she needs to be needed. It is physically painful, like the ache of some missing piece, and there is no logic in her. There is nothing I can do to make her feel any better, because according to all evidence, she is right. No one wants us.

Intellectually, I know I am loved. Rationally, I can explain to myself that we have no Dominant because that is where we are at right now. It has nothing to do our worthiness and everything to do with the hand life has dealt us.

But she can't see things like that. All she can see is that no one wants us, and it must be because we've done something wrong.

I lie awake and I ache, nursing the pain as quietly as I can, because there is no help for this. Sharing doesn't make it better. Screaming doesn't make it better. Cutting doesn't make it better. Digging my nails into my arms doesn't make it better.

But pain is the only thing she understand. Pain and lust and usefulness.

I can help her with none of these things. No one can.

Last episode, I clawed at the air with rigid fingers, but did not scratch. I nearly suffocated with the need to hurt, but I did not harm myself. Tonight, I want to peel my skin off, but know that I cannot. I have made myself feel physically ill, and want to throw up the salad I had for dinner, but I have not. I have come down to write, in the hopes that someone needs to hear me say this. In the hopes that even if I can't make it better for me, I can make it better for you.

Right now, I don't feel any better. Right now, I just want to be touched and fucked and used. I want to fall into the familiar call and response of my Dominant making use of me, and belonging to him, and knowing my place in the world. Right now, I am holding on to the idea that when I wake up, it won't hurt so bad. That when the sun rises, this endless dark emptiness will pass, and I will no longer feel like the last human left alive on earth. Right now, I am doing nothing, because nothing is better than doing something I can't take back.

Right now, I am surviving. Tomorrow, I will try to heal. Next month, I will do it all over again. And hopefully, next month, like tonight, will be a little bit better than last time.

Looky look

If you're not following me on WordPress, you really should be. It's really coming alive over there, and I'm super excited. It's starting to feel like the job I wish I had, and I really love it. :)

In less awesome news, it snowed yesterday and I have to work for Easter. Boo :(

Sketches: Alyssa

Alyssa is a fairly new character, so I'm not completely married to her looks yet. I know she's a Northerner - as in, Alaska north - so I'm thinking some Russian, some Inuit, inspirations like that. However, I didn't do as much research into her face as I should have - I actually kinda didn't need to. She'd been floating around, bugging me a for a few days, and I just couldn't stop seeing her face. I didn't get it right, but she's at least satisfied that I tried.

Fun things about Alyssa:

• She's a snow bunting! Yes, a ridiculous thing to know about a character, and a ridiculously specific species of bird, but I love it anyways so shut up :P
• Alyssa has actually made an appearance in Asylum already, though we weren't positive it was her. It is (and I'm sorry Lyssa)
• She's easily the shortest character I have, again, making it impossible for me to imagine. I'm really stuck in this whole 6'2" frame of reference thing. Everyone is short to me (except Kain ...and Jack) so someone that short - I just cannot relate.
• Alyssa came into being around the same time Hannah did, so initially I made mistakes and blended some of their characteristics together. Hannah has sense corrected me, and rescued Alyssa from the current predicament she's in now (Gods, predicament sounds so mild for what I know she's going through. Aiya...)

A day in the life

I seem to have fallen down another rabbit whole. This time Cait and I have discovered a circus of shapeshifters and elementals, with a vampire ring leader. Fun stuff.

I seem to go through ups and downs of creative manias, and I always enjoy it when the stories flow. I also seem to get more housework done, which is a plus.

We're settling in at work - everyone still hates the new guy, but that's what happens when you don't listen to a damn thing people tell you. Ah well. As always, Not my Problem.

Finally got to go back to belly dancing this weekend. Thankfully, I'm not as out of practice as I thought I'd be, but my calves and glutes are very sore.

Other than that, life is the same old, same old. I'm looking forward to May, when I get to take my brother to Phantom of the Opera and visit the family for a few days. I'm also looking forward to camping some time this summer. Maybe Mammoth Caves again. We'll see.

And stuff

I've had a lot to say on my other blog lately, so I thought it might be time I check in with this one and give it some love.

Life is doing alright by me, personally. I'm still worried about my family, but I'm always worried about my family. I probably always will. But I think they're doing well, so I try not to worry too much.

The writing is coming along nice. I'm doing Camp NaNo, which is part of why the writing is going so well. I've almost finished the project I started back in November, which will be my first novel, completed all by my self. Rather excited about that.

Work is work, settling into a sort of mellow groove, I hope. Only time will tell, I guess.

Aaaand that's it. That's life. It's lifey. And stuff

Sketches: Kain

Ah Kain. I cannot say enough good things about Kain. I also cannot keep from swearing at him every time he does something in the story, because it's always a)smug b)meddling or c) both. But he is very, very pretty.

Spring cleaning

Spring is here, and I'm feeling very hopeful. The first buds are appearing on the trees, and I feel ready to turn over a new leaf. I'm ready to redo the blog front, though you can still find all the photos on my nephew's page. I haven't settled on a new theme, but be ready for some changes soon. :)

Some bunny

Just sketchin at work, trying to kill the time and keep my mind off of Life, the Universe and Everything. 

I figure everybody comes to a point in their life where they need somebody, need some buddy and some bunny is there to listen if you need her too.

Don't over think it just let the words happen and sooner or later it'll all come tumbling out

Done kitten is done

Tell me internets, which of these flat cats is the most gived up?

Happy birthday Gabe!

A weekend at home

Went up to my moms this weekend. Each of my siblings were seriously needing some big sister time in their own way.

Little brother had a birthday,

Littlest sister got an early birthday present too. 

Mom has decided to let all the kids decorate their own bedrooms. When little sister is ready, I'll help with hers. Littlest sister new exactly what she wanted.

Mom had some plans for the rest of the room.

Littlest sister is pretty much happy with anything that lefts we color on the walls. 

I had fun meme img it up. :)