Belief

Reblogging this from my word press because it's a universal sort of post. The daily prompt was "Belief".

raevenlywrites:

I want to straight reblog this one, because something about the phrasing stuck with me. Sometimes words help corral your thoughts in the same general area as the idea the author was going for, and sometime the words are just Right, and there are no better words.

So I’m not going to try too hard with my words. I’m going to take another page from the Daily’s and do a list post. Partially because they’re really effective when used right, but mostly because these are VERY important things to me, and I don’t have the time to wax poetic right before work. :/ I intend to come back to this later, but we all know how intentions go.

Three things I absolutely believe with all my heart to be TRUE:

1. I love my girlfriend with all my heart. This truth was the one thing I had left to believe in when I went through those crazy young adult years of trying to figure out who I am vs. how I was raised. When I looked inside, past all the expectations and indoctrinations, the one shining Truth my heart whispered to me was that I loved my girlfriend more than anything else in the Universe. Everything else I believe had to be shaped around that.
2. Something makes the Universe go according to some kind of plan, and it isn’t really important for us to understand the hows and whys. There is so much else for us to do in this life that we do know and can see, that wasting energy chasing after answers that won’t actually change anything is a disservice to yourself, those around you, and whatever force you believe in.
3. Everything will be alright. Someday. Eventually. Probably not how I always imagined it will be alright, but still alright. Maybe better. This doesn’t absolve me of action, but it does take a lot of the worry factor out of it.

Three things I absolutely believe with all my heart to be FALSE:

1. A good life will be punished if it doesn’t follow X Creed. The Universe cannot possible be run by a guy that would punish me for not following a certain set of rules. I just can’t believe in that. Doesn’t matter if that guy is “God”, a unicorn, or Morgan Freeman- if you live a life you honestly feel is a good one, that holds true with everything you feel in your heart, whatever happens when we die will not be bad.
2. Karma. I don’t believe in an all reaching reward and punishment system. It’s possible my Western brain doesn’t have the right of what Karma truly is, but I don’t believe that “good” will be rewarded and “evil” punished. The Universe will always balance itself, but probably not in a way that makes sense to us mortals. And the reason I can’t believe in Karma is…
3. There is no such thing as GOOD and EVIL. No act, thought or person is inherently “good” or “bad”. There is no such thing as anevil herbivore. I watch Gravity act on Man, Animals and Galaxies alike – no Star ever collapsed on itself and became a Black Hole because it took too many steps on the Sabbath.

Sketches: Nica

Nica has a very odd face. She has been hands down the hardest to try and draw. You'd think this would not be the case, as Naj sits around staring at her ALL THE TIME,  but it's true. I cannot draw Nica.

NICA'S HAIR!!! Nica's hair defies drawing!!!!

Don't?

Sushi boat!

Star star

For my sisters, biological or otherwise. Be strong, and hold on.

Red for those we've lost, green for hope- it gets better.

My story

Yesterday, my sisters and I participated in a depression/self-harm awareness event. I hadn’t thought about it before hand, but many of my friends and family expressed concern over my well being. I’d been toying around with the idea of telling this story for a while now, and it seems like the time has come. This will definitely be a work in progress, but here are my first thoughts as I sit down and try to tell the story of my battle with self-harm.

I don’t remember how it started. I’m sure it was to prove something to myself, cause I’ve always tried so hard to be a badass like that. I’m pretty I started by picking at accidental wounds, refusing to allow them to heal. But sometimes, there’s no physical injury to go with the pain inside. Sometimes you have to make one, to make it real.

I don’t know how many people knew – I was always the weird kid in dark clothes and a bad attitude anyways, and I always tried to cut places it wouldn’t show. I wore wrist bands and arm warmers, long sleeves and jackets, and just kept my head down.

But I never wanted to damage myself. I never cut deep enough, because I was always afraid of hurting my hands and never being able to write again. That terror always kept the cuts shallow, and there was never enough pain.

Not long after that, I started burning myself. I have three small dots on the inside of my left wrist- proof to myself that I’m in charge of my own body. That no matter what else is going on in my life, I am in charge of my own bad decisions. People can hurt my heart, people can let me down, but I can hurt my own body. How many people are “strong” enough to say that?

I went to college, ready to leave all my bad decisions behind me. I broke up with my girlfriend, intent on giving up the “sin” of lesbianism, and left all my knives and wood burners behind. I went a whole semester without cutting, getting good grades and thought I was “cured”.

My second semester, I stopped eating.

It seemed like such a little thing- no time for breakfast in the morning, save money by skipping lunch, just not bothering with dinner because by the time I got home I was too tired to care. When I would get hungry, I sit there and stubbornly ignore it, or drink some water to prove that I was above such stupid things, that I was completely in control of my own body. If it got too bad, I’d buy a bag of Doritos, black pepperjack, and a blue powerade, just so that I could focus through class.

I met a boy, and he and I were a disaster, but I won’t go into that here. He’s not a part of this story. The important part was that he and I were engaged, and when I moved back home for the summer, he broke up with me. Whore of Babylon, I was, and his mother simply wouldn’t allow it.

My girlfriend was home waiting for me.

When I was ready to go back to school, after flunking out of my first campus, girlfriend and I roomed together. We saw each other through relationships that were good for us, bad for us, and just plain not for us, before I finally had to courage to really try US.

In the years we were first trying to work it out, she and I fought huge battles with depression.

Cutting was there for me when no one else was. Self-harm kept me awake, and focused, and numb, and in control. I was so depressed, I didn’t have the drive needed to kill myself. Even suicide seemed so pointless.

Somehow, I graduated. Girlfriend and I went out separate ways, and I got involved with another boy who isn’t a part of this story. Except for this one thing.

He taught me how to find control without pain. He taught me how to master myself, and how to give up control without losing myself. He taught me that some things are beyond my control, but that I can always control how I choose to react to it. He taught me that not everything is a fight.

I learned those lessons, and had to leave, because girlfriend was still calling to me. In the dark confusion of those terrible years, I came to learn one shining truth.

I loved my girlfriend with all my hard.

I wasn’t sure if we were good for each other or not, but after two violently poor fits with other people, I was willing to give it a shot anyways. We fought, we struggled, and somehow, we learned how to live. We learned how to heal, how to trust, how to grieve and how to move on.

We’re still learning.

 

FAIL

I just threw my mashed potatoes on the floor and fell off the couch.

I'm dead serious.

I have no idea what happened. I was just sitting there, eating my KFC, and suddenly needed to lean forward so that I could throw my potatoes on the floor, and in the process of doing that, slid off the couch to sit in my mashed potatoey glory.

I then sat there like a good little boy while my girlfriend fetched a wet rag and cleaned me and the potatoes up.

I think I may be getting sick.

I am certainly tired, and haven't really felt well the past few days. My craving for mashed potatoes is also a pretty good indicator (strange comfort food, no?).

Seriously. I have no idea what just happened.

Tasty, tasty dinner

Ok, I know I've been posting a lot of food lately, but pretty much my two passions are writing and food.

Dinner at SmashBurger tonight- AMAZING goat cheese, spinach and cucumber burger with balsamic vinegarette dressing! To die for good!

Sketches: Naj/Seth

A side by side comparison of Seth and Naj. I am both really happy with this piece, and really not. For one, the more I draw Naj and Seth, the more I feel like I'm losing them. But on the other hand, it's really cool to have a comparison of facial expressions and such on them. It would be cooler if I'd drawn them right, but whatever. Practice makes perfect, right?

Lunch is served

So food. Much nom. :)

Nom

I'm totally having a salad for lunch.

With french fries.

WIN! :D

More Liam pictures

I want chickens

Chicken link

I want chickens. And a farm. With goats, and sheep, and a guard llama. I want the chickens to live in houses like this:




Yes, I want to live in a Labyrinth petting zoo. What is your point?

For Ana

At the time of my scheduling this, this is my 101st post. It's only fitting to use this video. :)

I'm serious about this "writer" thing

So, while I've decided to make blogger my "personal" blog, you can't be a writer and not blog about writing. It's personal to you (one would hope). So I'm sharing this link to my Yahoo Voices account, because I'm pretty personally excited about it. One of my first articles was accepted for upfront payment, so I've made a whole $4 on my writing - that's a 100% increase from what I'd made before (or a 500% increase, or a 0% one, or 9 and 3/4%, because anything more than $0 is whatever number you want it to be.)! At any rate, I'm super excited, and thought I'd share the link for anyone curious to read the writing I'm finally making money off of- and if you click the link, I'll make more money off said writing because my other two articles are paid by performance, so..... (no pressure :P)

Getting ready for St. Paddy's

Last year, we made our very own Macheesmo's Corned Beef. If you'd like to give it a go, now's about the time to start looking for your brisket. Low and slow is definitely the way to go, so do start sooner rather than later.

Sketches: Jack's Tattoo

This is a sketch of Jack's tattoo. It's a fairly large one, takes up most of the space between his shoulder blades. Tripp designed and inked it, so it actually looks much better than this, cause, well, Tripp's got that weird Sight thing going on. I can't claim the same.

Hello Blogger, I've missed you

Winter Storm "Titan" can go the way of its namesake and rot in Tartarus. This winter has been BRUTAL, and I'm quite done with it thanks.

I have posted much lately, but I haven't done much lately, either. Started watching Star Trek:the Original series, and tha about it. Winter is good for that sort of thing.