An off morning

I'm having an off day. I usually do, the day after an episode. It might something so simple as being sleep deprived, but I just feel like something's missing. Like I used up my supply of something, and have to make due with out it for today.

 

I'm cranky, I'm irritable, I want to lash out the whole world and I want to hate myself, but I just can't care enough to do so. I tend to stand and stare a lot, even when I'm at home and could be taking a nap.

 

I feel like I'm missing all the skills I worked so hard to develope. All the voices in my head that tell me to keep going, to be patient, to smile, and to ignore the negative. Like I had a hard reset and my preferences weren't saved.

 

Usually, I bounce back in a day or two. Sometimes it lingers, and triggers more late night episodes, feeding itself until I'm eventually too exhausted to have any more and finally sleep.

 

It's hard, living with this shadow in the back of my mind. But I'm better than I used to be, and I know if I just hang in there, this feeling will go away again. I know that when it comes back, it won't be as bad. I know that if I just do whatever it takes to ride it out, I can work on being a little better during the good times, and I can make the good times last.

 

I know it gets better.

 

But for today, I just have to do what I gotta do to make it through to tomorrow.