A bad night

I am having a bad night. It happens sometimes, and I try not to be too down on myself for it, but I can't sleep.

About once every month or so, I have an "episode", where my inner submissive comes to the surface to see if anyone wants us yet. 5 years ago, we were thrown away, and no one has wanted us since there. Not in the way she needs to be needed. It is physically painful, like the ache of some missing piece, and there is no logic in her. There is nothing I can do to make her feel any better, because according to all evidence, she is right. No one wants us.

Intellectually, I know I am loved. Rationally, I can explain to myself that we have no Dominant because that is where we are at right now. It has nothing to do our worthiness and everything to do with the hand life has dealt us.

But she can't see things like that. All she can see is that no one wants us, and it must be because we've done something wrong.

I lie awake and I ache, nursing the pain as quietly as I can, because there is no help for this. Sharing doesn't make it better. Screaming doesn't make it better. Cutting doesn't make it better. Digging my nails into my arms doesn't make it better.

But pain is the only thing she understand. Pain and lust and usefulness.

I can help her with none of these things. No one can.

Last episode, I clawed at the air with rigid fingers, but did not scratch. I nearly suffocated with the need to hurt, but I did not harm myself. Tonight, I want to peel my skin off, but know that I cannot. I have made myself feel physically ill, and want to throw up the salad I had for dinner, but I have not. I have come down to write, in the hopes that someone needs to hear me say this. In the hopes that even if I can't make it better for me, I can make it better for you.

Right now, I don't feel any better. Right now, I just want to be touched and fucked and used. I want to fall into the familiar call and response of my Dominant making use of me, and belonging to him, and knowing my place in the world. Right now, I am holding on to the idea that when I wake up, it won't hurt so bad. That when the sun rises, this endless dark emptiness will pass, and I will no longer feel like the last human left alive on earth. Right now, I am doing nothing, because nothing is better than doing something I can't take back.

Right now, I am surviving. Tomorrow, I will try to heal. Next month, I will do it all over again. And hopefully, next month, like tonight, will be a little bit better than last time.